It seems my birthday doesn’t end 😂!in all honesty I wanted to celebrate all of these women who have helped shape me to the woman I am. They deserve all the praise!! I wanted them to loosen that load and have fun! They are all so kind hearted and amazing. My wish is they take more time for themselves and enjoy each other and the bonds we have formed! Life is truly beautiful and I am beyond blessed to have them by my side! It took a village of bad ass women to raise me how lucky am I? 😂 We had the absolute best time with the best guide Mark!
Mark you reminded me the beauty of people of a stranger who could’ve thought I was crazy but instead accepted me( a great wingman) Mark you are an exceptional man and I do believe we have met before it’s nice to reconnect 😍 thank you thank you!
I leave you all with my all time favorite quote
“I believe in the person I want to become.
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
And my motto is the same as ever:
“I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself I ride, I just ride.”
Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I remember like yesterday the anxiety you had about being yourself. I remember times in the shower when your thoughts got so heavy denying your sexuality you felt you were going to pass out from the weight. I remember you crying every night because you were carrying so much shame and grief. You didn’t want to be different. You held onto being hidden in order to appease everyone but yourself. And for that I am sorry. I am sorry I waited so long to fight for us.
I am proud of you. I accept you. I have tried to hide you because I was ashamed of you. In reality that person you were is not someone I should be ashamed of. It’s someone I should be celebrating. You lived hidden so I could be free in a healthy way.
It was dark, scary and lonely. In those years I had to choose if I’d stay in the dark forever or trust that in order to become a butterfly I had to stop thinking like a caterpillar. My cocoon stage was uncomfortable and daunting. This stage lasted around ten years. It took me eight to even realize I could change. When I made small steps to move forward I began to see light. I began to reclaim my life.
I was pushed forward with life instead of directing it. I just thought things will change but I never put together opportunities for change couldn’t happen without work from myself. In order to see success I had to start believing in me.
I thought because I am gay and overweight I don’t deserve opportunity. I denied myself before anyone could deny me and in that way I was staying trapped in the dark cocoon that became my comfort. Even though it was lonely it convinced me it was safe. The dark was where I could be left alone and not deal with my insecurities.
I’d spend hours in my room numbing reality by watching shows for hours on end. I lived through characters and their lives instead of having my own. I wanted it to just end.
It’s hard to admit but I felt like I should’ve died and not my dad. My dad left so much behind. I was convinced the world could’ve gone on much easier if it were me. It was a vicious cycle of harming myself. I harmed myself emotionally and physically.
When I was 19 the effects of not living were so great I’d have panic attacks daily. I used to be able to forget about it. I’d tell myself I can live pretending to be straight and just shove those emotions down. It got so bad I was physically ill from hiding myself. The night I told my mom was the first step into taking my life back.
I was sobbing and my mom she said “what’s wrong? I know something is wrong and it’s not just you being sad about your dad! What is it?! I don’t care I just want to help you!“ It was a way out of the pain and I blurted out I’m not straight. There are was no going back from there. It was instant relief. I finally admitted it and I could finally grow toward getting better.
If I never had the courage to say it I’m not sure where I’d be. You know the saying the truth will set you free? It’s a cliche for a reason! I stayed stuck in time for years and when I spoke my truth I was able to unfreeze. From that point it wasn’t how can I continue to make people believe I’m straight it was how can I get to the point of living my life authentically as a lesbian.
My hope is to reach someone who is struggling with their identity and to encourage taking that leap of faith. You are not alone and you are worthy of living your truth.
“What if I fall? Oh my darling what if you fly!” -E.H.
Axios 