weight loss – Axios

Dear You,

I remember like yesterday the anxiety you had about being yourself. I remember times in the shower when your thoughts got so heavy denying your sexuality you felt you were going to pass out from the weight. I remember you crying every night because you were carrying so much shame and grief. You didn’t want to be different. You held onto being hidden in order to appease everyone but yourself. And for that I am sorry. I am sorry I waited so long to fight for us.

I am proud of you. I accept you. I have tried to hide you because I was ashamed of you. In reality that person you were is not someone I should be ashamed of. It’s someone I should be celebrating. You lived hidden so I could be free in a healthy way.

It was dark, scary and lonely. In those years I had to choose if I’d stay in the dark forever or trust that in order to become a butterfly I had to stop thinking like a caterpillar. My cocoon stage was uncomfortable and daunting. This stage lasted around ten years. It took me eight to even realize I could change. When I made small steps to move forward I began to see light. I began to reclaim my life.

I was pushed forward with life instead of directing it. I just thought things will change but I never put together opportunities for change couldn’t happen without work from myself. In order to see success I had to start believing in me.

I thought because I am gay and overweight I don’t deserve opportunity. I denied myself before anyone could deny me and in that way I was staying trapped in the dark cocoon that became my comfort. Even though it was lonely it convinced me it was safe. The dark was where I could be left alone and not deal with my insecurities.

I’d spend hours in my room numbing reality by watching shows for hours on end. I lived through characters and their lives instead of having my own. I wanted it to just end.

It’s hard to admit but I felt like I should’ve died and not my dad. My dad left so much behind. I was convinced the world could’ve gone on much easier if it were me. It was a vicious cycle of harming myself. I harmed myself emotionally and physically.

When I was 19 the effects of not living were so great I’d have panic attacks daily. I used to be able to forget about it. I’d tell myself I can live pretending to be straight and just shove those emotions down. It got so bad I was physically ill from hiding myself. The night I told my mom was the first step into taking my life back.

I was sobbing and my mom she said “what’s wrong? I know something is wrong and it’s not just you being sad about your dad! What is it?! I don’t care I just want to help you!“ It was a way out of the pain and I blurted out I’m not straight. There are was no going back from there. It was instant relief. I finally admitted it and I could finally grow toward getting better.

If I never had the courage to say it I’m not sure where I’d be. You know the saying the truth will set you free? It’s a cliche for a reason! I stayed stuck in time for years and when I spoke my truth I was able to unfreeze. From that point it wasn’t how can I continue to make people believe I’m straight it was how can I get to the point of living my life authentically as a lesbian.

My hope is to reach someone who is struggling with their identity and to encourage taking that leap of faith. You are not alone and you are worthy of living your truth.

“What if I fall? Oh my darling what if you fly!” -E.H.

I am enough

I used to worry about how I looked.
When I was 50 pounds heavier I’d put an outfit on and obsessively look at myself in the mirror trying to catch an angle that I felt ok about myself in. Proceed to feel like shit, take it off and put an OG outfit on. Something loose and that I felt like if someone snaps a pic of me I’d be kind of ok with it. I spent years on the sidelines. Not anyone’s fault but myself. I watered my personality down because I felt so uncomfortable in my skin I didn’t want people to know me know me. I wasn’t enough. But I also wasn’t changing. I hoped for a miracle. I hoped that my metabolism would kick in and I’d be pretty like my sisters(who are freaking gorgeous). I never looked at my habits as the issue. I pointed the finger at every thing else but myself for me being unhappy. The day I figured out I was in control was when I was actually born. The snake sheds its skin. And I much like a snake have shed skin. I’m not different I’m just more myself than I’ve ever had the courage to be before. And to water myself down after everything I’ve overcome would be yet another injustice to myself. My skin rn has acne more than usual I must say(stress induced) my abs could be tighter and such and such. But then I catch myself.. abs tighter!!??? Like on what planet do I even have abs. I spent most of my life in a body that never reflected me. And now I worked really fucking hard in a healthy way to be strong and empowered. I’m able to look at these pictures and see beauty even though they are far from perfect. I say perfection is overrated. Happiness comes from within(cliche?) but I only say it because I mean it. Also be yourself. I spent years in the closet because again worried about others opinions. I came out officially on March 7, 2020 as a lesbian and WOW IT’S LIBERATING. Not because anyone did anything or said anything but because I for the first time felt free. Ellen DeGeneres said when speaking about being closeted the most profound and resonating story about being in a cage with an opening big enough to fly out. EXCERPT FROM THE INTERVIEW DOWN BELOW

“I had a dream that I was holding a baby finch, like a little precious bird,” DeGeneres recounted. “And it was my pet. And I put it back in its cage, which was this beautiful, multi-tiered, bamboo cage. And the bird became me when it went into the cage. And all of a sudden, it realized it was up against a window all along, and the window was open, and the bars were wide enough for the bird to fly out, and it had been the whole time.”

“I looked at the bird, and I said, ‘Don’t leave. You’re safe in here.’ And the bird looked at me and said, ‘I don’t belong in here.’ And flew out. And the next morning I woke up and I said, ‘I’m coming out.'”

“Before I had that dream, I didn’t realize I was in a cage,” DeGeneres continued. “I had no idea I was in a cage. I had a great life. I had a successful sitcom. I had fame. I had money. I had everything that I thought was important. But I was hiding a part of myself. And whenever we hide anything from anybody, we’re worried about what someone else is gonna think of us. And even though I knew that was going to be difficult, it was more important for me to be proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people thought of me. “

https://www.advocate.com/comedy/2018/12/19/ellen-found-courage-come-out-after-dreaming-caged-bird

I guess my point is life is too fucking short to be anyone but yourself. So if your weight is making you unhappy then take action and lose it. It’s just being consistent. Our mind will always tell us to quit before our body will. Tell your mind fuck off! And if you are scared to come out of the closet work on yourself and I promise you you’ll be so strong willed that nothing anyone says or does matters because you are at peace with yourself. I am at peace with myself. And I AM PROUD