I am enough

I used to worry about how I looked.
When I was 50 pounds heavier I’d put an outfit on and obsessively look at myself in the mirror trying to catch an angle that I felt ok about myself in. Proceed to feel like shit, take it off and put an OG outfit on. Something loose and that I felt like if someone snaps a pic of me I’d be kind of ok with it. I spent years on the sidelines. Not anyone’s fault but myself. I watered my personality down because I felt so uncomfortable in my skin I didn’t want people to know me know me. I wasn’t enough. But I also wasn’t changing. I hoped for a miracle. I hoped that my metabolism would kick in and I’d be pretty like my sisters(who are freaking gorgeous). I never looked at my habits as the issue. I pointed the finger at every thing else but myself for me being unhappy. The day I figured out I was in control was when I was actually born. The snake sheds its skin. And I much like a snake have shed skin. I’m not different I’m just more myself than I’ve ever had the courage to be before. And to water myself down after everything I’ve overcome would be yet another injustice to myself. My skin rn has acne more than usual I must say(stress induced) my abs could be tighter and such and such. But then I catch myself.. abs tighter!!??? Like on what planet do I even have abs. I spent most of my life in a body that never reflected me. And now I worked really fucking hard in a healthy way to be strong and empowered. I’m able to look at these pictures and see beauty even though they are far from perfect. I say perfection is overrated. Happiness comes from within(cliche?) but I only say it because I mean it. Also be yourself. I spent years in the closet because again worried about others opinions. I came out officially on March 7, 2020 as a lesbian and WOW IT’S LIBERATING. Not because anyone did anything or said anything but because I for the first time felt free. Ellen DeGeneres said when speaking about being closeted the most profound and resonating story about being in a cage with an opening big enough to fly out. EXCERPT FROM THE INTERVIEW DOWN BELOW

“I had a dream that I was holding a baby finch, like a little precious bird,” DeGeneres recounted. “And it was my pet. And I put it back in its cage, which was this beautiful, multi-tiered, bamboo cage. And the bird became me when it went into the cage. And all of a sudden, it realized it was up against a window all along, and the window was open, and the bars were wide enough for the bird to fly out, and it had been the whole time.”

“I looked at the bird, and I said, ‘Don’t leave. You’re safe in here.’ And the bird looked at me and said, ‘I don’t belong in here.’ And flew out. And the next morning I woke up and I said, ‘I’m coming out.'”

“Before I had that dream, I didn’t realize I was in a cage,” DeGeneres continued. “I had no idea I was in a cage. I had a great life. I had a successful sitcom. I had fame. I had money. I had everything that I thought was important. But I was hiding a part of myself. And whenever we hide anything from anybody, we’re worried about what someone else is gonna think of us. And even though I knew that was going to be difficult, it was more important for me to be proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people thought of me. “

https://www.advocate.com/comedy/2018/12/19/ellen-found-courage-come-out-after-dreaming-caged-bird

I guess my point is life is too fucking short to be anyone but yourself. So if your weight is making you unhappy then take action and lose it. It’s just being consistent. Our mind will always tell us to quit before our body will. Tell your mind fuck off! And if you are scared to come out of the closet work on yourself and I promise you you’ll be so strong willed that nothing anyone says or does matters because you are at peace with yourself. I am at peace with myself. And I AM PROUD